The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
