The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
