I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
