I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
