I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
