like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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