i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
