We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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