I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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