I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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