She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
