I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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