If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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