I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
