I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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