I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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