I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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