There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
