I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
