I swear she didn't look like that last week.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
