Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
