i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
