i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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