My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
