her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
