I will die if light touches me.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Holy shit dude........stairs
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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