I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
