The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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