Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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