My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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