K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
