I will die if light touches me.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
