The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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