he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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