just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
