My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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