I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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