i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
