Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
