just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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