They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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