Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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