I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
