JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize