If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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