Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
