I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
