Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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