I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
