Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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