if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
