John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
